Blushing Brightly

Rejecting Misplaced Guilt/Shame and Owning Our Blushing Response

I’m an epic blusher. My cheeks turn pink, then watermelon red, then heat up like the rays of a thousand suns — at the worst possible times. In important presentations. In interviews. In negotiations. In difficult conversations. Even in happy (e.g., potentially romantic) moments, scarlet blotches creep around my neck like ivy vines.

Throughout college, law school, two decades of practicing law, and the early years of my law professor career, I went to ridiculous lengths to try to hide my blush. Turtlenecks. Scarves. Prescription creams. Nothing worked.

Some non-blushers, for some reason, seem to enjoy pointing out my blush. Competitive work colleagues: “You looked really nervous in that meeting. Your face was red as a tomato.” Yes, I know. Men on dates: “Wow, your face is magenta.” Yes, I know.

For too long, I regarded my blushing as a weakness. As of today, I’m officially done doing that. My blush is not a flaw in my system; it’s an integral part of who I am, and how I navigate life — feistily and passionately.

If you’re an epic blusher like me, together let’s reframe our relationship with our blush.

Understanding our Blush

First, instead of resisting or resenting our blush, let’s seek to comprehend it.

Physiologically, when some of us step into a situation that feels stressful, judgmental, or even exciting in a good way, our body releases adrenaline. Let’s break down the sequence:

• Our brains register a cognitive awareness that we are, or imminently could be, the focus of someone else’s attention (positive or negative)
• Our minds generate an emotional response, which could be: (1) positive, such as feelings of excitement, anticipation, pleasure, or pride, (2) mildly negative, such as feelings of sheepishness or shyness (concern about being judged as unworthy), or (3) more intensely negative, such as feelings of embarrassment, guilt, or shame (**notably, these intensely unpleasant feelings can be wholly misplaced or mistimed, i.e., generated by a flashback to an event from our past, or a flash-sideways to something current but unrelated)
• Our sympathetic nervous system kicks into gear
• Blood rushes to our face, neck, and upper chest
• Our skin temperature increases
• Our heart rate accelerates

Some of us experience a secondary emotional reaction to the blush itself, which can stir feelings of embarrassment, guilt, or shame — even if we have done nothing wrong. Our faces blaze even more intensely. This vicious cycle can stoke a fear of blushing, called erythrophobia.

Personally, I’m not afraid of blushing. I’m annoyed by mine. But because my biological blushing response is not something I can control like an on-off switch, I’ve decided it’s time to view it as a sexy flash of fabulosity rather than an embarrassing flaw. Epic blushers, let’s unite.

Blushing is Badass

Erika Hilliard, author of the book Living Fully with Shyness and Social Anxiety, offers the most useful reframing of blushing I’ve ever read. Hilliard explains, “To see a blush is to celebrate life’s living. … [T]he word ‘blushing’ conjures images of fullness, ripeness, color, and flourishing life.” She says, a “blush signal[s] life.” She urges us to “[t]hink of [our] blushing as footprints left by the blood surging into the blood vessels under [our] skin.” A blush represents that “life is coursing through [us].”

Instead of letting the first prickle of heat from our blush cause us to fully freak out, instead let’s pause, then acknowledge, “Wait, my blush is evidence of life coursing through me. I’m alive! Yay me!” As Hilliard highlights, “Blushing is a reminder that you are a vibrant human being, complete with a rich array of emotions. It’s a package deal. We laugh, we cry, we fume, we flame.” As blushers, we are en fuego, in the best way.

Let’s Untangle Life-Affirming Blushing from Misplaced or Mistimed Guilt or Shame

It’s no shock that many blushers and non-blushers automatically associate blushing with guilt, shame, or embarrassment. Unfortunately, society reinforces this connection. Countless scientific articles describe blushing as a “socially desirable response” when a person has violated social norms, made a mistake, or done something to draw criticism. Authors of scientific studies report that a blush is perceived by non-blushers as a sign of contrition, submission, and appeasement. Purportedly, people who blush after committing some sort of social transgression are regarded in a positive light by others and viewed as trustworthy. I guess this news is supposed to make us blushers feel better.

But what if you’re like me, and your body decides to blush in situations in which you have done nothing wrong?

Let me give you an example. For the past two years, I’d been thinking about stepping down from a position I’d held at my job for 5+ years. I felt ready and excited to pursue other passions and interests (like researching and writing about blushing, for instance). I’d been carefully pondering the appropriate timing, and patiently laying the groundwork to ensure I left my role only after building the strongest possible foundation for my successors. The day finally arrived for me to inform my employer of my decision; I’d achieved every goal I set out to accomplish; the timing felt perfect. I mapped out two potential transition plans on paper. I made an appointment with the leadership team and strode into their office feeling confident, upbeat, and excited about change. The moment I opened my mouth to articulate my news, my face flushed crimson — as usual. Somehow, I felt guilty, like I was disappointing people by stepping down from a job I no longer want to do — after seven devoted years. Decades of misplaced shame (echoes of disapproving and hypercritical voices of past caregivers and authority figures) flooded the blood vessels in my face. Blotchy ivy vines encircled my neck and extinguished my voice. I left the office that day feeling like I couldn’t or shouldn’t leave my job. It took me another month to officially resign. In the interim, each time I tried explaining my desire to step down, even to my closest confidantes, my blush seemed to betray my steely resolve that this professional move was 100% right for me.

In this situation, my blush didn’t signify “socially desirable” contrition, submission, or appeasement over an error, a transgression, or a misstep (as the aforementioned scientific studies about blushing describe). I had nothing to be contrite, submissive, or appeasing about! Rather, a flood of past messages I’ve internalized from domineering caregivers and authority figures — that my needs, dreams, goals, desires, and ambitions are less important than those of other people, institutions, or employers — manifested in a blush fueled by misplaced and mistimed guilt and shame. I had, and have, nothing to feel guilty about, or ashamed of, in desiring to move into the next phase of my professional career. But I temporarily let my old mindset toward my blush sidetrack me into thinking I did.

Blushing Brightly

Instead of resisting our blush, letting it trigger misplaced/mistimed guilt or shame, or regarding it as a flaw visible for the world to see, let’s reframe our relationship with our natural (beautiful) biological response. Here are some techniques that have worked for me:

Let’s Develop Routines and Rituals — Like Athletes or Performers

Because I know my brain (cognition), mind (emotions), and body (physiological responses to stressful situations) have a habit of (over)reacting quickly in blush-igniting moments, I needed to set up new systems to enable me to enter such scenarios in the calmest possible state. What works for me is treating myself like an athlete or performer and adopting daily rituals and routines that help me tap into my boldness. First, I am a huge fan of author Julia Cameron’s Morning Pages ritual, explained in her impactful book, The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. Every morning, immediately after I brush my teeth, I brew a pot of coffee, light a candle, and write Morning Pages: three pages of longhand stream-of-consciousness journaling, to get my brain clutter out on paper. Three pages. Not two pages. Not four. Exactly three. I special-order spiral-bound jumbo journals from Canada with rebellious Frida Kahlo quotes on the cover. Watching blue ink connect words on paper helps me discern patterns — in fears, worries, desires, dreams, goals. Morning Pages help me expunge lingering guilt and shame from my past that do not serve me whatsoever in the present. This ritual takes fifteen minutes and gets my day off to a solid start. Morning Pages are within my control and help me feel in control.

My other daily ritual (outside of my work responsibilities) is exercise. I either run two miles by the Hudson River, or I take a one-on-one boxing lesson with my awesome trainer. I love the ritual of my trainer wrapping or taping my hands, sliding my gloves over my wrists, pushing me through punching drills. Whether I’m running or boxing, my face turns fire-engine red — like my blush — but here, I trust the rise and fall of my heightened bodily responses. I feel energized, zesty (one of my top 5 “signature strengths”), and unstoppable.

If I have an upcoming important meeting, presentation, or encounter that might elicit a blush, I perform two more rituals. I stand in a starfish “power pose” for two minutes (inspired by Professor Amy Cuddy and my friend Professor Jordana Confino). I also blast U2’s song, “Get Out of Your Own Way.” (Oh, and sometimes I apply green-tinted moisturizer to take some of the natural redness out of my skin if I’m on camera, BUT it won’t prevent the blush.)

What routines and rituals feel important and empowering to you?

Let’s Give Our Face Some Grace

When the blush kicks in, let’s first appreciate the significance of the blood flowing through our arteries and veins: EVIDENCE OF OUR VIBRANT LIFE. We are alive; yay, us! If a non-blusher points out our blush (non-blushers, please don’t do that), let’s own it with pride and gratitude: “Yep, I’m an epic blusher. As Erika Hillard says, my blush is life coursing through me.”

Let’s Use Our Bodies to Bolster Our Brains

In a blushing moment, let’s recalibrate our physical bodies to channel our blood, air, and energy flow in a productive manner, calming our sympathetic nervous system, enabling our brains to do their best work. Let’s reset: stand or sit in a balanced physical stance, place both feet with equal weight on the floor, shift our shoulders back, straighten our spines, open up our frames (spreading our arms or hands), breathe calmly, focus our eyes straight ahead — smiling because…we’ve totally got this. We also can gently set aside (or summarily eject!) any feelings of misplaced or mistimed embarrassment, guilt, or shame, understanding that our bodies may have accidentally uprooted a buried memory of something that has nothing to do with the present circumstance. In the words of my favorite band, U2: let it go.

Let’s Focus on the Task, not the Tangent

Once we’ve physically recalibrated, let’s consciously re-center on the task at hand. Experts call this “task concentration training.” Blushing may initially cause us to detour from our mission and zoom in on our emotional and physiological responses, but we can practice zooming back out, redirecting attention outward, toward the task in front of us: Let’s deliver our impactful presentation. Let’s stick to our negotiation strategy outline. Let’s make eye contact or riveting conversation with the object of our affection.

In task concentration, we re-attune to stimuli around us, activating our senses: What can we see? Hear? Smell? Taste? Touch?

Again, we are alive, interacting with our surroundings.

If you’ve been grappling with your blush, you’re not alone. I see you. I see your brilliant light and life coursing through your beautiful blushing face.

*Professor Heidi K. Brown is the author of The Introverted Lawyer, Untangling Fear in Lawyering, and The Flourishing Lawyer. She has a law degree from the University of Virginia School of Law and a master’s degree in applied positive psychology (MAPP) from the University of Pennsylvania. Her website is www.theflourishinglawyer.org. She can be reached at heidi@theintrovertedlawyer.com AND at her fabulous new job as Associate Dean of Upper Level Writing at New York Law School: heidi.brown@nyls.edu.